What is an emotional vampire?
What do they want?
A healthy ego may never understand the root of their motives,
nor the delusions they feed themselves to justify their inner turmoil and how that affects their relationships.
—
We’re witnessing the descent of a woman who needs to break her best friend down—
Not because her friend is wrong, but because she is unmoldable.
She represents everything our narrator can’t be.
—
This is a fictional satire on the POV of such an individual.
This is part one of the series “How To Keep A Bestie.”
Welcome to Lucy’s world.
—
Tuesday, August 17th 2022
A series of early morning yawns fill the room.
I stretch my arms and legs out wide and gasp when my joints crack and snap.
I should really listen to my uncle. He’s a gym rat and keeps saying I should work out.
The truth is, he is right—I should. But I don’t like to be inconvenienced, and the thought of other people sweating, ruined makeup, a treadmill after an 8-hour workday at the office… is appalling. I’ll just pretend I forgot again.
—
“MOM?!” I shout, nothing but some shuffling coming from the backroom.
“COFFEE!” I say loudly and roll my eyes.
Still nothing.
Ah man, why do moms never hear you when you call out for them? Mine does this weird thing where she will think I called for her when I am sitting in absolute silence, but she won’t ever hear me when I am actually calling for her.
“MOOOOM?” I give it a final try and still nothing.
Jesus effing Christ, this woman is deaf!
I guess I’ll have to get up and turn on the coffee machine again. It’s like…the third day in a row I have to do this. My mother always complains that I don’t do anything to help around the house, but she’s wrong. I take care of my dad, and also I sometimes wash the clothes. I even help with the grocery shopping on Sunday mornings.
Actually? I’m doing more than enough.
But that’s just how my mother is. Difficult, cold, and complicated. She’s always picking me apart, but never treats my little brother—or anyone else—that way.
—
I watch the steam of the coffee as it swirls in my cup. Made myself toast. It’s time to text my bestie!
“Good morning.”
30 minutes pass—Ah, Cherie is sleeping in today!
1.5 hours pass—Still nothing. I bet she’s running late.
3 hours pass—Well, that’s just rude.
—
It’s not that I need an answer from Cherie—but I know her. She consistently gets into weird, chaotic situations and ends up in trouble. She is my best friend. I love her. I worry about her a lot.
The one morning I didn’t text her—bam, she got kidnapped on the way to work. I swear the girl is lovely, and incredibly talented, and perfect, but she needs a trusted person to show her the right way. People take advantage of her naivety—it’s heartbreaking to watch!
She surrounds herself with strange people.
I am not like that. I am a real friend.
—
Anyhow, I respect my best friend’s autonomy and independence and won’t harass her lol. I am sure she has a legitimate reason for not being on her phone and she will get back to me in time—she always does.
—
Wednesday, August 18th 2022
OOF!
Today was exhausting!
I had so much to do at work, and I walked around a lot. My feet are totally on fire.
As if that’s not enough, I was pulled into my boss’s office because apparently one of the girls claims that I am abrupt, rude, and demanding.
I was shocked—I still am. Obviously my boss didn’t believe them. She knows me! Look at me! I am not the complainer and dominator they’re trying to make me out to be.
I am being ganged up on, but I won’t let this slide easily.
The more I think about it, the angrier I get.
I only get angry when I’m right. It’s the unfairness—it chokes me!
I have to deal with the skankiest, filthiest, lowest-class customers in the entire country.
My entire body hurts. My head hurts.
I am being unfairly targeted by the very colleagues I helped train! I can’t believe this is happening to me.
They’re SO ungrateful! I give so much and get so little in return! I can’t believe this is happening to me.
Fuck, I just missed the bus—
OH MY EFFING GOD—I could scream right now!
—
I need to get this off my chest or I’ll lose my mind. I quickly pull up Cherie’s phone number and call her.
“Hey Lucy! What’s…” Cherie picks up the phone but I am NOT in the mood for small-talk. I need my friend to listen to the injustice that was done to me.
“I am SO done!” I start my rant, and go into detail.
After all, I need a neutral person to validate me.
—
Finally, once I step into my house, I feel much better and tell Cherie that I need to get off the phone now. I like to shower as soon as I get home, wash my hair, do my extensive skincare routine, eat, then relax on BeautyTok and FoodTok.
—
Thursday, August 19th 2022
It’s my day off!!!!
I am SO happy and relieved!
Cherie and I are meeting up at 6 p.m., I will do my makeup and hair now. I bought this new Kate Spade handbag—just like the one Cherie has, but in dark brown and I love it. I can’t wait to show it off.
Also—what was that?!
I just scrolled through Cherie’s Instagram story and she posted a photo of herself that I NEVER expected from her. She is posing against a white wall, she’s wearing a sparkly jean jacket and pants, a velvet bralette. She’s totally showing off her toned stomach and snatched waist.
Wow—she’s not even really working out…but she looks great!
“Go Cherie!” I reply to her story and smile softly.
—
Honestly, this is a bit concerning. For a while now, I have been noticing signs of her being kinda off. I wonder if she’s doing all that to get some attention…which fair. I am not judging.
—
“What will you have?” I ask.
The sound of my own voice does something to me. It’s so…sensual, so serious and composed, so elegant. Just like me, really. I make sure I look flawless when I am outside—I don’t want attention, I just attract it due to my polished makeup, my beautiful thick hair and flawless style.
“I think I want to try this…Coconut Lavender Latte, it sounds good!” Cherie says…but she says a lot of things which she doesn’t mean.
“Oh Cherie, what will you drink? MILK?! Get real!” I roll my eyes.
Like, this is not about trying new stuff that looks fancy. There is a certain standard I uphold and she needs to grow up.
“I’ll get you what I am having—an Aperol Spritz.”
—
It’s quiet for a moment. Cherie is answering her emails, she said something about work. I asked her what it was and she told me, but it wasn’t interesting so I have no clue what she actually said. I am more focused on sipping my drink, and people-watching right now. Actually, Cherie bought a pair of burgundy Saint Laurent sunglasses and I LOVED them. Her timing is perfect—she reminded me that I need new sunglasses too, so I bought myself a Gucci pair.
We kinda look really good sitting together, like a pair of models off-duty. What a win.
“I hate it when men carry bags.” I say as I stare an unsuspecting man down. He’s about our age, so mid to late 20s, and dressed well but that tote bag…EW.
“Huh? Why? What’s wrong with a man carrying a normal bag?” Cherie asks.
Ah Cherie, why are you so obsessed with being open minded? I think she’s too woke for her own good. It’s just a phase, I will bring her back to earth and she will realize I was right all along.
“Well, he looks gay…It’s just…unsexy.”
“I don’t think this man cares if you like him or not. He hasn’t looked at you once…Oh, and now he is holding hands with his girlfriend.”
Wow, betrayal.
“Well, I am saying I don’t like that generally.”
“Okay, nobody asked you.”
Cherie?! I thought we were friends…
She hates me…Or maybe…She is just jealous.
—
The strangest thing just happened and I don’t know how to justify it.
Me and Cherie took a stroll by the riverside, through this very hype part of town, where people meet up and throw summer parties and so on. We took a seat by a group of guys, there was enough distance between us thankfully. However, one of these guys kept looking over and then he walked over to us.
I could tell right away—he wanted my number. Poor thing was so nervous.
He blushed so hard when we made eye contact that he ended up talking to Cherie instead. She’s not as intimidating as I am.
Not my type anyway—way too young. I only like mature men.
Ten years older, minimum.
Everyone else? Trash.
—
The weirdest part of this is that she didn’t even give him her number, even though he asked for it.
I am honestly baffled.
Anyone who knows Cherie knows that she’s dated around. She claims she hasn’t been intimate with a lot of people, only with a couple of ex-boyfriends, that just can’t be the case.
I even asked her for more information on what she likes to do in bed, I was curious. I am not sure if she was serious…but she said she’s sadistic and laughed a little.
She’s such a freak—it wouldn’t surprise me one bit!
I say I’m celibate—six years and counting.
Truth is, I’m sleeping with my other friend’s husband.
—
“Dating is embarrassing these days. I remember that last guy you dated…Yeah, the one that wanted to marry you within three days of knowing you. Lord—that guy was scary, he was insane! I am so glad you got rid of him.” I say and smile softly at Cherie while maintaining eye contact.
My hand lies on top of hers on the table. I stroke her thumb.
“Listen, when you’re ready to go out in the dating scene and meet people again, I will support you. I would have reacted differently to the situation with that crazy guy so I would suggest I come along to your dates from now on. I can just sit somewhere else and pretend to be a stranger, but yeah, I want to protect you. Also, new rule from now on, I have to meet all the guys you date to make sure they’re not weird.”
GOD—I love her.
She’s my best friend—my sister.
I would do anything for her—I have.
It’s us against the world forever.
“Hell no—that’s weird.” She says casually. I need a second to process this. I want to scream. I don’t. I smile instead.
“Thank you for the kind offer, Lucy, but no thanks. I am old enough to know what to do in difficult situations.”
“But…I am just looking out for you!”
“Actually, you’re saying you’d handle the situation better knowing damn well you wouldn’t have. You do this weird thing where you act like you know better, but based on your life, you don’t really have any credentials.” Cherie seems annoyed with me.
—
“Hey so, I was thinking you could come over to my place on Saturday and spend the weekend. I will prepare us some snacks, cocktails, we will have a cosy movie-night.”
—
Friday, August 20th 2022
“Girls who crave male attention and post skanky thirst traps make me sick. It’s such a cheap and embarrassing thing to do. I would NEVER.” I say while on FaceTime with my friend.
She gets quiet and I smile softly. That’s how I know my comment landed.
That’s what you get for not listening to me, Cherie.
“Don’t you think that grown women should be allowed to make their own choices? You may not like it, which is fine but I don’t see reason to judge someone else based on one’s own ingrained Puritanism.”
Her thought process is fascinating to me. She always comes up with these disturbing and pseudo-intellectual points. She once tried to “educate” me on Puritanism and the negative impact it has had on women over the millennia. I just nodded and smiled.
I shove my phone in her face and show her the latest TikTok Skincare Trend I found. Cherie takes a look, she looks disengaged—
Of course—when the conversation is not about her, she can’t function.
—
I always listen to her, it doesn’t matter that I only remember things I find interesting or useful. But she’s always so involved and self-righteous, always so negative and “down to earth”...
I’m super optimistic and upbeat, I always think positively because I strongly believe in the Law of Attraction. I even showed her the book The Secret—the secret code to life. I hate reading but that was a great read!
She laughs it off and calls it bollocks but my father showed it to me…and he’s a genius.
She laughs it off and calls it bollocks but my father showed it to me…and he’s a genius.
In fact, he is the only person who has something worthy to say.
—
Maybe that’s why Cherie consistently attracts weird people and shitty situations, she’s too negative, too sensitive, too weak.
—
I believe Cherie takes me a bit too literally. I mentioned that I want to engage in thoughtful and meaningful conversations on the premise of life and success and I noticed that she’s taken that and fully run with it. She’s always brought up uninteresting topics like politics, science, psychology and such but I can’t be bothered to engage her.
I don’t care about other people’s opinions or situations. I have my own mind.
When I need a second mind, I ask my father for advice only.
—
Saturday, August 21st 2022
“Wait—Why are you doing an egg cleanse?”
“Oh this? Oh Cherie! I do this every night. I am highly empathetic and emotionally sensitive—I tend to get the evil eye a lot, and make my mother uncross me. To ensure I am spiritually cleansed and my aura is as pure as white gold, I perform an egg cleanse every single night. Also, I am fully convinced my coworkers are envious of me so this will protect me from their evil eye too.”
I continue with my ritual.
“You should try it too. Especially after the kidnapping incident…You need as much protection as you can get.”
“Oh—oh yeah, makes sense. I thought egg cleanses were actually meant for darker attacks like curses or something like that. Guess I was wrong.” Cherie says.
—
“So, I may be getting a new apartment soon!” Cherie smiles at me.
Why the hell are you smiling?
I thought we said we would move in together?
I thought this was our plan. What is going on, Cherie?
Why are you switching up on me now?
“Really? How did that happen?” I asked casually. Obviously, I am happy for my friend but moving in together would be the smarter move to make. We would split the bills and we would be together ALL the time, which is exciting!
“This old friend of mine…”
“What old friend? Why have I never heard of them before?”
Oh. So now we’re keeping secrets. Noted.
I don’t like to keep score of things I do or pay, or for what is said and done in this friendship but Cherie sometimes makes me think she’s not fully honest with me. I feel like I should know about her life in fullness because I am her friend. But no, she consistently mentions something else, something new that I haven’t heard of before. If you ask me, this is weird and suspicious. I will give her the benefit of the doubt though.
“Lucy, I don’t know what to tell you. I have lived and still do live, a very full and intense life. I know many people and have lived many things. I would need another lifetime to tell you everything, plus this isn’t something major and I didn’t think it mattered.”
“It does matter to me because I thought we were friends. And you know…” I almost cry here, that’s how hard this betrayal is hitting me.
“You know I accept you exactly as you are! And you know you can talk to me and trust me!” I’m so glad I shared this with her.
I add, “Also, I thought we said we would move in together? We agreed on that!”
“We did, yes we did. You’re right. But you know how hard it is to even find a new apartment that’s not a hot mess in our city…And this one is a single bedroom apartment.”
“Well, I don’t mind at all! I can share a bed with you. We can sleep together for a while.”
—
Saturday, August 28th 2022
“Ah, wearing your favorite umbrellas, again, I see.”
“My lashes, you mean?” Cherie asks in confusion.
“Yeah, haven’t you ever heard of the term “cumbrellas”? Yours are like butterfly lashes. I really like them.”
“Thanks…I guess.”
“I wish I could wear them but my eye shape won’t let me.”
“Maybe I can help you with that, if you’d like.”
“Oh sure—but no, I’ve got it. My eye shape just doesn’t allow it.” I shrug a little.
—
We are walking towards the park. This park is enormous, and a hot spot during the summer.
“I don’t feel like going to the park.” I say and Cherie looks confused.
“I thought we had agreed on going to the park today? It’s okay if you changed your mind though. We can hang out somewhere else.”
We end up going to a cafe that has a terrace. We buy ourselves coffee and something sweet to snack on and sit down by the ledge.
“It’s so hot. I hate it. Can we switch sides? The sun is literally attacking my eyeballs!” I frantically fan myself.
Sweaty, hot, annoyed as hell!
I hate everything that puts me out of my comfort.
Sun, wind, children in my periphery.
“No, we can’t. You always sit in the shadow. It’s your turn to get a little blinded.” Cherie chuckles.
“Oh come on, Cherie! Stop being such a baby!” I cry.
“Never.” She says with absolute audacity and has the nerve to smirk at me, like my suffering is a joke to her!
Fine.
FINE.
—
“Have you spoken to your friend Anna at all lately?”
“No, not really. I haven’t reached out but frankly she hasn’t either.” I say and shrug.
Anna is an old friend of mine from high school. We used to be very close but then I moved and things changed. Recently, we had an argument and I had texted Cherie asking her to help me. Cherie ended up sending me a text I could send to my friend and eventually things calmed down and the argument seemed to be resolved. However, I really felt like dying. I felt betrayed, abandoned and hurt.
“Well, check in with her soon. She’s probably needs a friend right now considering what she’s going through. Bless her.” Cherie says.
—
During a visit to the cafe’s restrooms, I express my annoyance with my mother to Cherie.
“She REALLY went to the store and bought VEGAN cheese to cook with! Can you imagine that? The food was god-awful, it tasted like shit!” I huff loudly as I remember my mother’s blatant stupidity for daring to cook food that I don’t like.
“I thought you knew how to cook. I mean you definitely can cook more than I can. Why don’t you go to the store and buy what you like and cook it?” Cherie says.
Oh Cherie, of course.
What’s next, cooking for the whole block?”
“I don’t have the time to waste on that. She should just do things properly.” I have much more important things to do than to cook for myself. I deserve rest, joy and a properly homemade meal.
“Don’t you think you’re a bit demanding of your mom? She works crazy hours and a lot. You could help take some of the stress off her plate some days.” Cherie is defending my mother.
Wow
She just doesn’t get it. She’s always so open-minded and wannabe understanding.
I let her yap on and scroll on my phone instead.
—
Oh shit. There’s something I need to show Cherie!
“I have been talking to this Spanish guy for a bit on Tinder. Check him out.” I say and shove my phone in Cherie’s face.
She looks at the screen and then at me;
“He looks like a Fuckboy.” She says, kinda uninterested.
“Yeah, I don’t want a relationship. I just want some fun. Plus, he sends me nudes and damn…he’s big.” I giggle and look for his most recent nude. Then I turn the phone towards Cherie.
“Why are you showing me this?” She asks.
Always with the stupidest questions.
“Look at it! He’s…blessed.” I smirk.
“I wouldn’t poke him with a stick, no offense.”
“I don’t care what he does, he’s hot and available.” I don’t care what she says.
“Don’t you think it’s a bit reckless to expose yourself to a health hazard just for a moment’s fun? You don’t know what illnesses he may have.”
“I’d never do anything without protection.” I say frustrated.
Why can’t a girl just have fun?!?!?
“Protection doesn’t protect you from…everything. Just saying. There are “available” dudes out there that don’t require you to wear a gas mask just to be in their vicinity.”
“Well, how the hell am I to know this?! I am only 29-years-old!”
“Lucy, we are…grown. Like 11 years into adulthood grown…”
JuSt sAYing —she always needs to be the smarter one.
—
Writer’s Note:
No exaggeration, I was terrified while writing this POV.
If you read the whole story—I am grateful and impressed.
—
Stay tuned for part two!
AI Generated
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. All characters are entirely imagined and exist within a fictional world created for satirical and literary purposes.
